Let’s take this question. Can we (Muslims) talk about sex?

I feel this question is about Islamic ruling: Is it sinful talking about sex… or is it considered cheeky or naughty?

So, my answer is: it is 100% permissible. I read a scholar saying there are 30, 40 Quranic verses discussing sex-related issues. The Prophet talked about sex - otherwise we would not have so many sex-related hadiths.

For example: don’t approach your wives like animals; and when you have sex, the wife should come first; husband comes later. There are so many hadiths on sex … and the Prophet talked about them in the mosque, and public places. Sexual issues were not hushed up in Islam.

The Prophet’s advice for wives to come first, before husbands, is a modern-day sex therapy idea. And I just mentioned to my daughter yesterday, "When the Prophet was asked what he meant by having sex that breaks one’s fast, the Prophet clarified that when it is like an eyeliner being inserted into its bottle … then the fast is nullified."

So, it is very explicit, yet very well-mannered. Our community needs to learn the appropriate vocabulary for decent conversations about sex.

It’s not just that we can talk about sex; rather, we must talk about sex because, if we don’t, society will still talk about sex but they’ll do it inappropriately. This is just my opinion, but I give two pieces of evidence. First, during the thick of the COVID lockdown (in Singapore), there was a blog run by Malay guys, and they were chastised by the public because their content was laced with vulgarity, swear words, and, worst of all, misogynistic jokes.

So bad, even the President (of Singapore, Madam Halimah Yaacob) had to voice her displeasure.

Yes. Second evidence: about the same time, a poll appeared online – "which ustazah to gang bang" – do you remember this incident?

Yes, I remember.

For that one, MUIS (Islamic Religious Council Singapore) had to intervene.

I completely agree. If we don’t normalise responsible public discourses on sex, something else will fill the vacuum.

There’s something else we want to add … about those misogynistic jokes that guys like to share.

These are demeaning to all women, including their mothers, sisters, wives and daughters, even if they did not have their loved ones in mind as they were making these jokes.

In the long run, men’s respect of women can be affected if these jokes become normalised among men… our impressionable boys are looking up to their uncles with those “witty” jokes. It will subconsciously affect their values and attitudes about women.

But this is the obvious effect of misogynistic jokes. What is less obvious - this one, I think I leave to my husband…

What is less obvious, but is already happening, is that misogynistic jokes can be detrimental to men too! Most misogynistic jokes are based on misinformation about women’s likes, dislikes, and general experience of the sexual relationship. But most of these are a result of men equating women’s sexual experience to theirs, due to ignorance. For example, that “gang bang” joke stems from the ignorant male perception that women would feel honoured to be considered as “too hot” so that they (the men) cannot control themselves. Men – at our instinctive, animalistic, “uncensored” level – would relish women swarming all over us.

But to women, the first thing that comes to mind is violence … because it is someone forcing himself on us without our consent - it is traumatic to say the least … and to suggest “gang bang” … how can that be honourable to us?

Another joke that I have heard from women concerns their husbands’ suggestion of paid sexual services every time they give monthly maintenance (nafakah). They find it cute.

I think they take it as some kind of sexual role play; police and thief or a doctor-nurse scenario. The sleazy image is equated with a sexy atmosphere - and supposed to turn her on.

Possibly? … but do men understand how demeaning it is to women to be considered a prostitute… even in jest?

Maybe some men don’t. It could also stem from army jokes … or what some call “locker-room talk”. Men and boys may not realise how misogynistic jokes have a slow-burn effect on male misperception of the female desire. In other words, we can develop a wrong idea of what turns women on.

If this misperception is ingrained in our men, in no time, the women will find them undesirable.

And that’s what we mean by the detrimental effect of misogynistic jokes on men. Some may regard this as only theory - but Enon is already seeing it in counselling and we have seen it online. If the effect runs deep among our society’s men, it is perfectly possible that our women may start seeing men from other societies - not that they are necessarily better either - but often, what is not yours can appear better, just because what is yours appears bad …

The ‘grass is greener’ syndrome.

Or when they start seeing women as much greener as opposed to men, sexually speaking - and I won’t be surprised if many women can do a better job than most men in pleasuring a woman sexually.

If the responsible in our society can drop their hang-ups, shyness, or even misplaced piousness regarding sex as a taboo topic in Islam, then serious, decent, accurate, knowledge-based discourses regarding sex can become the norm.